Church of the Holy City

Crises and Faith

Crisis and Faith
Rev. Dr. David J. Fekete
May 3, 2009

Numbers 13:17-20, 26-33 Matthew 8:5-13

Today I selected two Bible passages that treat the issue of trust in God. The Old Testament reading represents a failure to trust God. The New Testament reading represents astonishing trust.
In the Old Testament passage, the Israelites sent out spies to explore the land of Canaan. They came back afraid of the tribes in Canaan. They said, “We can’t attack those people; they are stronger than we are. We seemed like grasshoppers in our own eyes, and we looked the same to them” (Numbers 13:31, 35). Only Caleb trusted in God’s power and said, “We should go up and take possession of the land, for we can surely do it” (Numbers 13:30).
In the New Testament reading, a Roman Centurion has a paralyzed and suffering servant. He asks Jesus to heal him. Jesus is about to go to the home of the Centurion, but the Centurion says that that wouldn’t be necessary. He says, “Just say the word, and my servant will be healed” (Matthew 8:8). He trusts Jesus that much. He doesn’t need a demonstration of power; he doesn’t need Jesus to perform a healing ritual. He trusts Jesus’ power so much that he knows Jesus needs only say the word, and he needs no other proof of Jesus power to heal.
I bring up this issue because I have been going through a crisis personally this week. I have been so immersed in worldly concerns that I have found it very difficult to concentrate or ponder theology. I’d like to share what I went through, because I think the best theology comes from experience. I assure you, I will get to the theological point eventually in this story.
You may have noticed that the big, old red van isn’t parked outside the church this morning. And if you are a keen observer, you may have noticed a new, white Honda Civic parked in front of the church. Over the past week I have been in the process of buying a new car. Between when I started shopping for the car until I finally drove it out of the dealership parking lot has been a nightmare.
I went shopping for a Honda Civic upon the advice of Nikhil, who knows a lot about cars. I found a beautiful ’07 Civic that looked like new. I immediately put down $500 to hold it for me while I made up my mind if I was going to buy it. Meanwhile they called a bank and told me that a loan had been approved for me. Midway through the week, I called the dealership and told them I wanted the car, that I would put down another $1,000 and could they have it ready by Saturday. They assured me there would be no problem. The mechanic at the Husky gas station on the corner of 82nd Street and 127 Ave wanted to buy the van and offered me $100 more than the dealer would have. My plan was to pick up the Civic, sell my van, and drive my new Civic down to Calgary, where I was preaching that Sunday.
Saturday arrived. I drove my van to the Husky gas station and sold my van to Chong, the mechanic. Carol and I drove in her car to the dealership with the license plates from the van. My salesman was there. He asked me, “Are you excited?” “You bet,” I said. He took me into the finance office. The finance officer asked me, “Are you excited?” “You bet,” I said. He then said, “Oh, we never got your ID, can I photocopy your driver’s license?” “Sure,” I said, and handed him my Florida driver’s license. He looked at it and said, “I’m not sure if we can use this.” Then came those words, “Just a minute.” He left the office for a while and then came back. “We need a Canadian driver’s license,” he said. I told him that I couldn’t get one because I was here on a Visitor’s Permit. “Do you have an Alberta Health card?” he asked. “Yes,” I said, “But it’s not with me.” “We can take an official Alberta ID card from the Registry and your Alberta Health card as ID.” They called over to the Registry, and the Registry told them that I couldn’t get an official Alberta ID card with a visitor’s permit. And, since ministers don’t need a work permit, the Canadian Government won’t give me a work permit. I told the dealership that my own bank had approved me for a loan and that if I had known that I was going to run into this, I would have taken out a loan from them before today, and that now the bank was closed and wouldn’t open again until Monday. I also told them that I had already sold my van because they said everything was in order and my loan was approved. They said, “Just sit tight, we’ll work something out.” Two hours went by while I sat tight. Then Carol said, “If I get involved, can we get this resolved?” I asked them. They said Carol could be a cosigner if her credit is approved and I could drive out of the lot in my new Honda Civic that afternoon. Carol’s credit was approved shortly. She was at home while all this was going on, because she needed to get groceries for her son. They said for Carol to come to the dealership with a voided cheque and we could drive away today. Carol showed up, and they told us how it would work. The car would be registered in Carol’s name, and automatic car payments would be deducted from her bank account. At this point, Carol said, “Just a minute.” Carol and I had a talk in her car and decided that that was no solution. I told them to hold the car, I would talk to my bank on Monday. After sitting around the dealership for two hours over a car sale that they said would be OK, I wasn’t feeling, or acting, very ministerial. So I went back to the Husky station, and asked Chong if I could buy my car back. He looked upset, but said, “Well, what can I do?” So I gave him back his money and drove my old, red, Chrysler van down to Carol’s house so she could pick up her things for our trip to Calgary.
When I got to Carol’s house, the battery in my van died. Now on top of everything else, I didn’t know what was wrong with my van—the battery or the alternator. And I really didn’t want to put more money into a car I was going to get rid of. It was now 6:00PM and too late for a bus to Calgary. Carol heroically volunteered to drive us down in her 2001 Civic. By now I was hating the dealership, my van, the whole Chrysler car company, and all American cars in general. On the way down to Calgary all this was churning around in my head. My own bank never asked me about my Florida driver’s license. Would they be able to give me a loan? Would I ever get my new Civic, or was I stuck with the old, big, red Chrysler van that seemed to break down about every month and a half.
I found it very hard to focus on the church service I had to give the next morning. In fact, I wasn’t feeling very spiritual at all. All I could think about was that car. Furthermore, we had plans to hear Lorrie Lipski sing Bach’s B-minor Mass after church. I love the B-minor Mass, and even own 2 recordings of it. And I didn’t want to spoil the concert with anxiety about the car deal. None of the theological doctrines I preached about seemed to make sense in this whirlpool of materialism.
Then it came to me. A single line from the Lord’s Prayer. “Give us this day our daily bread.” To me, that line meant that our daily bread is given us this day—not tomorrow, not Monday when the banks open, not into the distant future, but this day. I remembered what we learned from Ekhart Tolle about living in the moment. The moment is all we have. So the moment is where I dug in. I also remembered a phrase I’ve heard over and over again, but it had a special meaning in this day. “Let go and let God.” There was nothing in the moment I could do about the loan, the Civic, or the broken down red van. So I let them all go and focused on what I had. I had Carol’s love, the service, and the concert. And that is where my life was in that moment. The church service went well, I enjoyed the concert immensely, and, finally I got my new Honda Civic and dumped the van on someone who could take care of it, Chong, my mechanic.
These kinds of things can be extremely valuable in our spiritual development if we react to them well. What I went through fits well with Swedenborg’s idea of temptation. Temptation isn’t just an inner debate about eating a chocolate bar or some fresh fruit. Temptations are visceral struggles in which our self-will is ground down, and our soul is made more flexible and open to receive God’s love. Temptations change us from saying, “I want,” into saying, “Thy will.” And I’ll tell you, those two hours when I was sitting in the dealership, “I want that car, and I want it now” was all that filled my mind. But those two gems of theology helped me through my struggles: “Give us this day,” and “Let go and let God.” Crises like the one I went through grind down our worldly desires and our self will. We learn that what we want isn’t always going to be what we get, and we need to give up that desperate attachment to, “I want.”
There’s a long passage from Swedenborg that talks about temptations and how they soften our self-will. I ran into it 30 years ago, when I didn’t really understand it. I even asked my minister about it. Now, I think I’m getting a feel for it. With your kind permission, I’d like to read it for you at length.
Man is nothing else than but an organ, or vessel, which receives life from the Lord . . . The life which flows in with man from the Lord, is from His Divine Love. This love, or the life therefrom, flows in and applies itself to the vessels which are in man’s rational and which are in his natural. These vessels in man are in a contrary position in respect to the inflowing life because of the hereditary evil into which man is born, and of the actual evil which he acquires; but as far as the life which flows in can dispose the vessels to receive it, so far it does dispose them. These vessels in the rational man, and in the natural, are those that are called truths . . . . When therefore these vessels . . . are in a contrary position and direction in respect to the life, as was said, it may be evident that they must be reduced to a position in accordance with the life, or in obedience to it. This can in no way be effected so long as the man is in that state into which he was born, and to which he has reduced himself; for the vessels are not obedient, being obstinately resistant, and opposing the heavenly order . . . for the good which moves them, and with which they comply, is of the love of self and the world . . . . Wherefore, before they can be rendered compliant and fit to receive anything from of the life of the Lord’s love, they must be softened. This softening is effected by no other means than by temptations; for temptations remove what is of self-love . . . .When therefore the vessels are somewhat tempered and subdued by temptations, then they begin to become yielding to, and compliant with the life of the Lord’s love, which continually flows in with man. . . . he is afterward gifted with another genius, being made mild, humble, simple, and contrite in heart (AC 3318).
When we get really shook up—and all of us have in one way or another—we become more accepting of things. Everything doesn’t have to be the way we want it to be. This is what Swedenborg means by saying that temptations soften the vessels in our rational mind, and grind down love of self and of the world. When we are filled with self-will, we rage against everything and everyone who doesn’t go our way. But as Swedenborg says, after temptations we receive a new personality that is mild, humble, simple and contrite. That is when crises become crises and faith instead of crises of faith.